The four Pillars of a Relationship

By Dr H. Norman Wright

The basics of a relationship are like the pillars or foundation stones of a house. All must be strong, If you try to make up for one weak pillar by strengthening another, the whole structure will be out of balance.

If someone were to ask you the question, “What are the factors necessary for a lasting relationship?” what would you say? What foundation stones or “pillars” are essential for strong relationships?

Think about it. What if you had to limit them to just four fac­tors? There are actually many, but what is needed in any rela­tionship, especially a lifelong marriage, are the following: love, trust, respect and understanding.

The most lasting of these is love. Paul indicated this when he said that faith, hope and love “abide” or remain, but that “the greatest of these is love” (I Cor. 13:13). He also said:

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you (Col. 3:12,13).

The most fragile of these four pillars is trust. The most neg­lected one is respect or honor. The one that takes the longest to develop is understanding or knowledge.

These are like four pillars of a house. Each of these pillars must be nurtured. If one is weak you can’t make up for the lack in that area by adding to another. Love won’t make up for mis­trust, nor understanding for disrespect.

The Pillar of Love

By now you’ve probably heard multiple messages about the dif­ferent types of biblical love—eros, philia, storge and agape. But how are such loves expressed in practical and enduring ways?’ There are several characteristics.

Safety and Security

You want to feel safe and secure in your relationship. You want to be able to breathe a sigh of relief and say. “It’s nice to relax with someone, let down the protective armor and be myself.” This is the characteristic we enjoy so much in friendship-love (philia). And if this dimension of love is present in a marriage. it’s an indication that there’s hope for the relationship.

In which of your relationships do you feel most safe and secure? Who are the people who best convey this characteristic? What do they do that communicates safety and security to you?

Support

People want and need to feel supported by those who care for them. This is mentioned in another chapter, but it needs to be expanded here.

A supportive relationship helps you know you’re not facing the world alone. You can depend on others to stand with you in difficult times, even when they don’t necessarily agree with your stand. Do you have some supportive persons in your life? Who are they? Do they include the person you’re interested in as a possible spouse?

A supportive person is not only needed during difficult times, but also during good times. When you support others, you encour­age them, help them dream and grow, even to the point that they exceed your own level of growth or ability. You use your strengths, capabilities and skills to lift the other person above yourself. This is sometimes particularly hard for men. Can you handle this?

Occasionally I meet former students of mine from Talbot Seminary and discover that they’ve excelled in some areas of their lives beyond my own level of ability or achievement. That’s wonderful! I have a “Yes!” response.

Also, being an avid fisherman, I receive tremendous satisfac­tion helping others enjoy fishing by learning the skills that will help them haul in the big ones. (Yes, there’s more to fishing than luck!) And if they catch more fish than I do as a result of the sup­port I give them, all the better! We rejoice together. I’ve seen my wife and daughter out fish me.

The key to support is discovering the strengths of others and building on those qualities to help them succeed. To do this, you need a positive attitude toward them. You’ve got to look for the best in them. You must believe in them until they believe in themselves and start succeeding.

It happens all the time in my counseling office. I see shattered families and individuals; they are broken, troubled, and hurting. Often I need to lend them my hope and faith until they can gen­erate some of their own. I must support them by believing in them, their strengths and their future until they are stable enough to believe for themselves.

This is an important way for your love to be reflected in a relationship. There will be times when you need support, and times when you need to give it.

If you are currently in a relationship, in what way do each of you support the other?

Sense of Belonging

Every one of us knows the pain of being excluded or rejected. We all have a built-in, God-given need for a sense of belonging that comes from being included by others. It makes you feel significant because someone else has opened his or her own pri­vate world to you. It’s easy to get along with those who accept you, open their hearts to you and include you in their lives.

The older I get, the more value I place on the sense of belonging I enjoy with my wife and a few close friends. I can share my hurts, my dreams, my thoughts and my feelings with these people without fear of being put down, laughed at or rejected. It feels so comfortable to belong. Having received the benefits of belonging, I want to help others feel included.

Who do you have in your life who communicates to you a sense of belonging like this?

Care

We all need somebody to care about us and nurture us. When you nurture someone, you invite him or her to take a special place in your heart. You express your care through words as well as through your deeds. When you really care about someone, you are willing to move out of your comfort zone for that per­son’s benefit. It’s almost impossible not to connect with some­one who cares enough about you to make such a move.

Expressing genuine care may not be convenient. You may be called on to...

• Go shopping for several hours.

• Sleep out in a tent on the hard ground.

• Travel for several hours just to eat at a “unique” restau­rant.

• Listen to the other person well beyond your usual atten­tion span.

But because you care for the other person, you’re willing to extend yourself in these ways—with a positive attitude! And you would be reflecting agape love, the sacrificial love that is at the heart of Scripture.

Acceptance

I want to be accepted by others. So do you. When we accept others for who they are, we free them from the pressure of being molded into the persons we want them to be. When you accept others, you become compatible with them and get along with them.

How does the “significant other” in your life show he or she accepts you?

The Pillar of Trust

When it comes to trust, a sign should be hung over it saying, “Handle with Care.” Some people find it easy to trust, while oth­ers find it very difficult.

Trust is making yourself dependent upon another person for some result or outcome. It’s a healthy dependency. You can’t be forced into it. It’s a voluntary response. It’s an attitude, and it has three parts.

First, you believe in your mind that the other person is trust­worthy. Can you list several people in your life at the present time whom you believe to be trustworthy? Why do you believe this?

Relationships require trust. But there is a risk in trust. The other person could let you down. All life involves some risk, but loving makes you especially vulnerable.

Second, there is an emotional response in trust. You feel assurance or confidence in trusting the other person. Who comes to mind here?

Finally, your behavior has to come into play when you act on the trust you perceive.

Trust is when you’re in the water and a friend reaches down his hand to pull you out and you reach up and grasp it. You don’t hesitate or debate whether he really wants to rescue you. You believe. You feel confident. You reach out.

But there is a risk in trust. The other person could let you down. Although all life involves some risk, loving makes you especially vulnerable. In fact, you can’t be in a loving relation­ship unless you’re willing to run the risk of being hurt. How do you know if you really trust the other person or not? You don’t have a backup plan in case the other person lets you down. You don’t have a plan “B” in case he or she fails you.

I’ve seen the subtle ways trust is undermined in marriages. For example, a person says he will do something but his partner calls him or leaves reminder notes to be sure he does it, or even calls a store to check on him.  

Yes, it’s true. When you trust, you’re vulnerable.

When two people in a relationship have mutual trust, they are sending messages to one another.

They are saying, “I have confidence in you.”

They are saying, “I will be here for you when no one else is.”

They are saying, “You can depend on me for little and large things.”

They are saying, “I will be consistent, not changeable or impulsive.”

They are saying, “You can depend on me to speak the truth.”

So the question is this: If you are in a relationship, to what degree is that person trustworthy?

And yes, the next question is, Are you a person of trust?

The Pillar of Respect

A third foundation for a relationship—respect or honor—is the most neglected.

Throughout Scripture we are told to honor one another. Have you been honored or respected by others? If so, you know what this concept means. It must occur between partners in a significant relationship.

Basically, respect is recognizing and acknowledging the other person’s worth or value. Significantly, this requires that you honor and respect yourself; for if you don’t respect yourself how can you give respect to someone else?

Do you understand the extent of your own value and worth? It’s nothing you earn; it’s been given to you by God.

Let’s remember how God sees us. He doesn’t compare you with the other people He has created. He has given you your own capabilities and potential. He expects you to develop and use only what He has given you, not what He has given someone else. He wants you to develop and use what you have so you won’t miss out on life. You are God’s workmanship:

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them (Eph. 2:10, NASB).

Jesus Christ invites us to come to Him by faith, believing that He will accept us as we are into His family:

But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name, who were born not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God (John 1:12,13, NASB).

Therefore having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ (Rom.5:1, NASB).

If God and Jesus Christ are with us at all times, we need not feel inferior or inadequate. God is our source of adequacy. We can love ourselves without pangs of guilt. We can love ourselves without having to defend our actions.

Dr. Lloyd Ahlem, in Do 1 Have to Be Me?, summarizes what God has done for us. 

The writers of the Scriptures are careful to point out that when God looks at you in Jesus Christ, He sees you as a brother to His own Son.... You are worth all of God’s atten­tion. If you were the only person in the world, it would be worth God’s effort to make Himself known to you and to love you. He gives you freely the status and adequacy of an heir to the universe.

A few years ago, the choir at our church sang an anthem based on Zephaniah 3:17. I had never heard the song before. The words were printed in our church bulletin, and I have read them many times since because they encourage me, inspire me and remind me of what I mean to God:

And the Father will dance over you in joy!

He will take delight in whom He loves.

Is that a choir I hear singing the praises of God?

No, the Lord God Himself is exulting over you in song!

And He will joy over you in song!

My soul will make its boast in God,

For He has answered all my cries.

His faithfulness to me is as sure as the dawn of a new day.

Awake my soul, and sing!

Let my spirit rejoice in God!

Sing, O daughter of Zion, with all of your heart!

Cast away fear for you have been restored!

Put on the garment of praise as on a festival day

Join with the Father in glorious, jubilant song.

God rejoices over you in song!

In his fascinating book, The Pleasures of God, John Piper beautifully expresses how God desires to do good to all who hope in Him. Dr. Piper writes about God singing, and asks:

What do you hear when you imagine the voice of God singing? I hear the booming of Niagara Falls mingled with the trickle of a mossy mountain stream. I hear the blast of Mt. St. Helen’s mingled with a kitten’s purr. I hear the power of an East Coast hurricane and the barely audible puff of a night snow in the woods. And I hear the unimaginable roar of the sun, 865,000 miles thick, 1.300,000 times bigger than the earth, and nothing but fire, 1,000,000 degrees centigrade on the cooler surface of the corona. But I hear this unimag­inable roar mingled with the tender, warm crackling of logs in the living room on a cozy winter’s night.

I stand dumbfounded, staggered, speechless that he is singing over me—one who has dishonored him so many times and in so many ways. It is almost too good to be true. He is rejoicing over my good with all his heart and all his soul. He virtually breaks forth into song when he hits upon a new way to do me good. 

Did you catch the significance of how God feels about you and what He wants for you? If you would remind yourself of this each morning, how would that impact your day?

You have value. But so does the person you’re interested in. The higher the value of something, the greater the care and atten­tion we pay to it. A $1,000 diamond does not have the same level of protection and security as a $10-million-dollar gem. Your value? And everyone else’s? Simply this: For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). 

How to Show Respect

How do we honor and respect another person? There are sever­al simple steps: 

You show acceptance. This is an attitude that welcomes a per­son with regard. It’s saying to your partner in word and deed,

Showing respect means you give affirmation and encouragement. You’re a cheerleader, believing in others even when they don’t believe in themselves. 

“I’m glad you’re a part of my life.” Think of an example of how you do this. Think of how the other person in your life does this for you.

You give recognition. This shows that you are observant as to who others are and what they are doing. Your response to them is not disinterest, or mere toleration. Think of an example of how you do give recognition, and of how the other person in your life does this for you. 

You give affirmation and encouragement. You believe in oth­ers, and you look for ways to build them up. You’re a cheerleader, believing in them even when they don’t believe in themselves. You don’t take for granted what they do or who they are. Paul counsels, ‘Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing” (1 Thess. 5:1l). Think of an example of how you do this, and of how the other person in your life does this for you.

You give appreciation. This is something quite personal. You’re expressing your pleasure in being a part of this person’s life. Give an example of how you do this, and of how the other person in your life does this for you. 

You give admiration. This is giving credit to such an extent that you’re saying, “I wish I had your ability.” Give an example of how you and your significant other do this for each other.

All these ways of showing respect are communicated by what you say and what you don’t say to each other, as well as by your nonverbal communication and by just being there for that person.

The Pillar of Understanding 

The fourth essential element of a close relationship—and the one that is so often short-circuited—is understanding. 

The first three elements are dependent upon this one. Understanding only develops over time. It’s based on knowledge. You understand others by getting inside of them and seeing life from their perspective, through their eyes. It involves a tremen­dous amount of communication—of asking, sharing and listening.

Your partner will never understand you unless you reveal yourself. Nor will you ever understand another unless he or she is open with you. What is revealed is based on trust, which is based on how well you know one another, which is based on what is revealed. 

The Risk of Relationship

All these pillars or foundation stones of close relationships involve an ingredient called risk. Neither love, nor trust, nor respect, nor understanding will lead to a loving relationship unless both partners are willing to risk being vulnerable.       

So everything boils down to being willing to risk. This is the foundation and the basis of all relationships. Through this you can discover who is best for you and who isn’t—always keeping in mind the spiritual dimension.

Since relationships are risky, the choice to have a meaningful, lasting connection with a significant other may not be an easy choice. However, the rewards of an intimate relationship make it one of the greatest choices you will ever make.

Small Wooden People

       The Wemmicks were small wooden people. Each of the wooden people was carved by a woodworker named Eli. His workshop sat on a hill overlooking their village.

      Every Wemmick was different. Some had big noses, others had large eyes.  Some were tall and others were short. Some wore hats, others wore coats. But all were made by the same carver and all lived in the village.

      And all day, every day, the Wemmicks did the same thing: They gave each other stickers. Each Wemmick had a box of golden star stickers and a box of gray dot stickers. Up and down the streets all over the city, people could be seen sticking stars or dots on one another.

      The pretty ones, those with smooth wood and fine paint, always got stars. But if the wood was rough or the paint chipped, the Wemmicks gave dots. The talented ones got stars, too. Some could lift big sticks high above their heads or jump over tall boxes. Still others knew big words or could sing very pretty songs. Everyone gave them stars.

     Some Wemmicks had stars all over them! Every time they got a star it made them feel so good that they did something else and got another star. Others, though, could do little. They got dots.

     Punchinello was one of these. He tried to jump high like the others, but he always fell. And when he fell, the others would gather around and

give him dots. Sometimes when he fell, it would scar his wood, so the people would give him more dots. He would try to explain why he fell and

say something silly, and the Wemmicks would give him more dots. After a while he had so many dots that he didn't want to go  outside. He was

afriad he would do something dumb such as forget his hat or step in the water, and then people would give him another dot. In fact, he had so many gray dots that some people would come up and give him one without reason.

     "He deserves lots of dots," the wooden people would agree with one another. "He's not a good wooden person." After a while Punchinello

believed them. "I'm not a good wemmick," he would say. The few times he went outside, he hung around other Wemmicks who had a lot of dots. He felt better around them.

      One day he met a Wemmick who was unlike any he'd ever met. She had no dots or stars. She was just wooden. Her name was Lulia. It wasn't that people didn't try to give her stickers; it's just that the stickers didn't stick. Some admired Lulia for having no dots, so they would run up and give her a star. But it would fall off. Some would look down on her for having no stars, so they would give her a dot. But it wouldn't stay either.

      'That's the way I want to be,'thought Punchinello. 'I don't want anyone's marks.' So he asked the stickerless Wemmick how she did it.

        "It's easy," Lulia replied. "every day I go see Eli."

        "Eli?"

        "Yes, Eli. The woodcarver. I sit in the workshop with him."

        "Why?"

        "Why don't you find out for yourself? Go up the hill. He's there." And with that the Wemmick with no marks turned and skipped away.

        "But he won't want to see me!" Punchinello cried out. Lulia didn't hear. So Punchinello went home. He sat near a window and watched the

wooden people as they scurried around giving each other stars and dots. "It's not right," he muttered to himself. And he resolved to go see Eli.

         He walked up the narrow path to the top of the hill and stepped into the big shop. His wooden eyes widened at the size of everything.  The

stool was as tall as he was. He had to stretch on his tiptoes to see the top of the workbench. A hammer was as long as his arm. Punchinello

swallowed hard. "I'm not staying here!" and he turned to leave.

      Then he heard his name.

     "Punchinello?" The voice was deep and strong.

      Punchinello stopped.

     "Punchinello! How good to see you. Come and let me have a look at you."

      Punchinello turned slowly and looked at the large bearded craftsman. "You know my name?" the little Wemmick asked.

      "Of course I do. I made you."

      Eli stooped down and picked him up and set him on the bench.

      "Hmm," the maker spoke thoughtfully as he inspected the gray circles.

      "Looks like you've been given some bad marks."

      "I didn't mean to, Eli. I really tried hard."

      "Oh, you don't have to defend yourself to me, child. I don't care what the other Wemmicks think."

      "You don't?"

      "No, and you shouldn't either. Who are they to give stars or dots?

      They're Wemmicks just like you. What they think doesn't matter, Punchinello. All that matters is what I think. And I think you are pretty special."

      Punchinello laughed. "Me, special? Why? I can't walk fast. I can't jump. My paint is peeling. Why do I matter to you?"

      Eli looked at Punchinello, put his hands on those small wooden shoulders, and spoke very slowly.

     "Because you're mine. That's why you matter to me."

     Punchinello had never had anyone look at him like this--much less his maker. He didn't know what to say.

     "Every day I've been hoping you'd come," Eli explained.

     "I came because I met someone who had no marks."

     "I know. She told me about you."

     "Why don't the stickers stay on her?"

     "Because she has decided that what I think is more important than what they think. The stickers only stick if you let them."

     "What?"

     "The stickers only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust my love, the less you care about the stickers."

     "I'm not sure I understand."

     "You will, but it will take time. You've got a lot of marks. For now, just come to see me every day and let me remind you how much I care."

      Eli lifted Punchinello off the bench and set him on the ground.

     "Remember," Eli said as the Wemmick walked out the door. "You are special because I made you. And I don't make mistakes."

      Punchinello didn't stop, but in his heart he thought, "I think he really means it."

      And when he did, a dot fell to the ground.